I confess I think I've been avoiding the blog. I put it together with the primary goal of being the place I could talk about pregnancy and motherhood, judgement free, away from the "news feed" of facebook. I didn't want to be that person who only posted on facebook about their child, so I thought this would be a good safe space.
But for the last several weeks, as I've been well into the 3rd trimester, I've sort of felt like what my mom used to say to me-- if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. I wish I was the sort of pregnant woman who was happily nesting, decorating a nursery, and being excited about all of the new "stuff" that she owns for her baby. I wish I was writing love letters and singing lullabies to my unborn to share with you. Heck, I wish I was at least reading a good book with new, interesting tidbits about natural childbirth, labor, and delivery that I felt worth posting!
Truth of the matter is, that none of that feel-good stuff is happening. Ben's been out of town for the entire month of March. I typically have enough energy to make it to and from work followed by hopefully creating some sort of dinner and then falling in front of the computer for Netflicks or Hulu before I pass out. I want to be eating better-- healthier, greener -- for me and for my growing little one. But I'm not. I just can't be bothered to put in the energy! I'm not sleeping well, I am uncomfortable all the time ("squished" is the best word I can come up with) and there doesn't feel like there's a solution for it. I think I've got more sadness/depression about Ben being gone than actual fatigue... but either way it limits me from house cleaning and other necessary chores. People ask what they can do to help, but I'm not great at taking them up on it... I mean, how could I possibly ask someone to do the laundry that I'm capable of, just because I'm feeling too lazy to do it?
In so many ways, I'm just feeling overwhelmed by the process. I know it will all get better once Ben gets home (5 more days!) and I have some emotional support. But I can't help feeling like I lost a month here that I should have been using more productively. And let me tell you, when you try to explain this feeling to people, most don't understand... saying things like, "well, enjoy your rest now! It's the last chance you'll get for 18 years!" I don't want to enjoy my rest. I want to actually take care of myself. The type of "rest" I've had this month is not enjoyable, it's just sad.
*sigh* I read over this and wonder if I should be keeping these thoughts to myself rather than publishing them on the internet for all (whomever "all" is) to read... but maybe some day another mom-to-be will read this and feel justified, not alone... and so for that reason, I'm about to hit "publish"-- against my better judgement.