Monday, March 19, 2012

Confession is Good for the Soul

I confess I think I've been avoiding the blog.  I put it together with the primary goal of being the place I could talk about pregnancy and motherhood, judgement free, away from the "news feed" of facebook.  I didn't want to be that person who only posted on facebook about their child, so I thought this would be a good safe space.

But for the last several weeks, as I've been well into the 3rd trimester, I've sort of felt like what my mom used to say to me-- if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  I wish I was the sort of pregnant woman who was happily nesting, decorating a nursery, and being excited about all of the new "stuff" that she owns for her baby.  I wish I was writing love letters and singing lullabies to my unborn to share with you.  Heck, I wish I was at least reading a good book with new, interesting tidbits about natural childbirth, labor, and delivery that I felt worth posting!

Truth of the matter is, that none of that feel-good stuff is happening.  Ben's been out of town for the entire month of March.  I typically have enough energy to make it to and from work followed by hopefully creating some sort of dinner and then falling in front of the computer for Netflicks or Hulu before I pass out.  I want to be eating better-- healthier, greener -- for me and for my growing little one.  But I'm not.  I just can't be bothered to put in the energy!  I'm not sleeping well, I am uncomfortable all the time ("squished" is the best word I can come up with) and there doesn't feel like there's a solution for it.  I think I've got more sadness/depression about Ben being gone than actual fatigue... but either way it limits me from house cleaning and other necessary chores.  People ask what they can do to help, but I'm not great at taking them up on it... I mean, how could I possibly ask someone to do the laundry that I'm capable of, just because I'm feeling too lazy to do it?

In so many ways, I'm just feeling overwhelmed by the process.  I know it will all get better once Ben gets home (5 more days!) and I have some emotional support.  But I can't help feeling like I lost a month here that I should have been using more productively.  And let me tell you, when you try to explain this feeling to people, most don't understand... saying things like, "well, enjoy your rest now!  It's the last chance you'll get for 18 years!"  I don't want to enjoy my rest.  I want to actually take care of myself.  The type of "rest" I've had this month is not enjoyable, it's just sad.

*sigh* I read over this and wonder if I should be keeping these thoughts to myself rather than publishing them on the internet for all (whomever "all" is) to read... but maybe some day another mom-to-be will read this and feel justified, not alone... and so for that reason, I'm about to hit "publish"-- against my better judgement.

1 comment:

  1. Poor Amanda!

    The good news is that all of these feelings are perfectly normal. ALL of your emotional, physical, and mental energy is going into growing a baby and so it is no wonder you are drained completely! DON'T feel bad for lacking in motivation or being tired or hiding your feelings-- this is not about being super mom. This is about just getting through it until Ben gets home and your baby is in your arms.

    The bad news is that the thoughts you're having of "I should be doing this, but instead, I'm tired/lazy/unmotivated/feeling sorry for myself" etc, is par for the course in motherhood. You will spend the rest of your life looking at the moms around you and compare what you're not doing to what they are doing. And sadly, there will always be a mom near you whose "perfection" or "attitude" or ability to hand make her child's dedication layette will intimidate the heck out of you. If you're going to work at anything, work at not going there. Work at not feeling guilty.

    This is a hug to you. I don't remember ever feeling great at 8+ months pregnant. The fact that you're going to work and feeding yourself is cause for celebration. You "could" be on bedrest, right? To all those people who say, "enjoy it now", I say ignore them. Your super mom days are ahead of you and they are a lot of fun. But that's not today. Today, just go to bed early and have another donut. And don't feel badly for what isn't being said, or what isn't being done or not blogging.

    And if you need someone to talk to, call me!