The Attachment Connection by Ruth P Newton PhD

Today I finished reading The Attachment Connection by Ruth Newton, PhD.  I was so engrossed by this book, actually, that I missed my T stop on the way to go work out this morning!  So "finished" may be a bit of an understatement.

The book was exactly what I was looking for.  And I highly recommend parts of it in a few scenarios:

Chapters 1 and 2- AWESOME summary of some basic pediatric neuroscience with lit based references about how babies develop and why they need close connections with their parents.  It was detailed enough to not feel "dumbed down," but simple enough that anyone could read it, even if they're not "the scientific type."  I'd recommend these two chapters for anyone who's a parent or wants to understand parenting and considers themselves a bit of a nerd about it, wanting to know the science behind it.

Chapter one highlights the differences between securely attached (this is what you're aiming for), insecure-avoidant (don't approach parent for reassurance, even when they want it), insecure-ambivalent (seek out parent, but get confused and angry because parent isn't reliable/consistent), and disorganized (inconsistent, no pattern) children.  There are case examples and a history of early attachment literature.

Chapter two goes through details of all the brain parts-- The left hemisphere controlling language and the right hemisphere being associated with body regulation, control of emotions, etc.  It also talks us through the amygdala (which integrates info from threat/fear/anger), the sympathetic nervous system (stress, threat), the parasympathetic nervous system (involved in calming and sleep), and the orbitofrontal cortex.  Chapter two focuses on how parents help regulate their infant/toddler's emotions before the child is able to do so independently through synchrony and resonance with the child's feelings and actions.

Chapters 3-12 apply all of these theories to different age ranges, starting with pregnancy and slowly ramping up to 4 year olds.  There are, again, case examples as well as literature citations explaining his thoughts and theories.  I'll be honest, I skimmed most of these chapters-- there are boxes highlighting what children can do at each age group, which I've read thoroughly in other sources.  And I wasn't really in the mood to read about 3 year olds!  (I did read the two month chapter word for word though). I think these chapters are an excellent overview of ages/stages of development if there's someone out there who hasn't gotten this info from another source yet.

Chapter 13... controversial chapter 13.  This one talks about the day care controversy, highlighting the drama that came in the news when early articles in the 70s and 80s said that children who'd spent time in day care were more aggressive than those cared for by their mothers.  And when she introduced the topic, I thought for sure she was going to debunk that myth.  But she didn't.  She addressed it relatively politically correctly, but does come to the conclusion that
   "1. The quality of parenting predicted higher levels of social skills and positive social-emotional outcomes than did child care experience.
    2. Children in higher quality center-based care had higher vocabulary scores in fifth grade than children in lower quality center-based child care.
    3. Children with more center-based care, in particular, had more behavioral problems in sixth grade."
Definitely the scientific argument for staying home as much as possible within the first 3 years of your child's life.  Hm...

My favorite nugget from the book came all the way up in chapter two, though, when she was talking about sides of the brain.  She explained how infants and toddlers are predominantly right brained during years 0-3 while they're pre-verbal or have low levels of verbal communication.  And that parents (and adults in general) responded to children in this age group first with their right brains.  Additionally, due to the way our eyes and brains are connected, inputs from the left are processed in the right brain and vice versa.  Thus, when one craddles their child on the left side, they are unknowingly connecting the child's right brain (left visual field) with their own right brain (left visual field).  And did you know that 83% of right handed and 78% of left handed mothers craddle their babies naturally on the left?  hm...

The Baby Sleep Book by Dr. William Sears

A friend complimented me a couple weeks ago about the amount of research I was putting into parenthood (and pregnancy, labor, and delivery).  I reminded her then and I will state for the record now, I tend to decide what I want to do, then look up books, articles, and websites who will provide me support for the decision I made.  I am not so good at reading both sides of a debate and then deciding between them.  So please, don't feel like my support of certain authors is an unbiased, researched view point.  And other mothers (or future mothers) out there, please don't let my seemingly researched opinions make you feel bad for any decisions you've made or want to make.  I pick and choose what I like and cite it.  Not the other way around.

That disclaimer aside, I wanted to tell you all how much I really enjoyed reading Dr. Sears' The Baby Sleep Book.  I picked it up for a couple reasons.  First, it was on the shelf at my local branch library in the parenting section... and it's a small branch, so pickings were (relatively) slim.  Second, I'd heard of this Dr. Sears guy with regard to vaccines and I wanted to read something (anything) he had to say.  And third, I thought, "maybe I should start reading in advance rather than reading about stages of Baby O's life that have just past.  So, knowing that we were still well in the stage of "sleep when the baby sleeps" and "there is no such thing as schedule," I thought I could get a head start on understanding sleep now so that I could be prepared when we move into the next stage (whatever that may be).

For several days, I could not put this book down!  I really liked it.  Dr. Sears (and his family of docs and nurses) is one of the biggest proponents of Attachment Parenting.  So from the very beginning of this book, I knew that it would be providing me some detailed information that was in line with things I already wanted to do and theories I believe.  The chapter on co-sleeping (chapter 5) was reassuring to me and provided me with a little bit of literature reference for what I already knew to be true-- the news splash on how evil co-sleeping is because it's dangerous was just that-- a news splash.  He goes through the literature, explaining how the big study that made co-sleeping known as dangerous was not randomized (of course) and didn't even have a control.  They found a few hundred kids died when sleeping in adult beds.  But did you know that there's no reference in that article to the few thousand kids who died in cribs within the same amount of time?  Very interesting.

I also really liked the importance this book placed on fathers.  Just because I'm nursing (and co-sleeping) doesn't mean that my husband isn't a very important part of Baby O's life.  And long before we read this book, Ben has been great at taking turns with me attempting to calm her when she cries and rocking her to sleep when it's bedtime.  Sure, because I'm nursing, I get more of the middle-of-the-night duty than he does... but he's by no means absent.  Just as reassurance, though, chapter 8 of this book is all about night time fathering.  And it's full of good advice!

Finally, I'd say that I liked this book because it clarified the difference for me between "Cry it out alone" (which I don't want to do) and "cry it out in the arms of a parent figure," which may be important some day in the near future!  He lists out the basis for not following a stereotypical sleep training/cry it out method, and I'm fully in agreement with not crying it out.  However, he also calms my nerves by saying that yes, some times my child will cry.  And sometimes it will be for no reason.  Or because the answer I give her is "no" (e.g., if we were night weaning and she wanted to nurse for comfort... just as one example).  And in those scenarios, when they happen, it's perfectly okay for me to let O cry while we're cuddling and loving her in other ways.

I will confess, though, that just because I love his theories and ideas now doesn't mean I'll love them after I [try to] put them into practice in the future.  Maybe I'll learn that his ways are too simple, not realistic.  What do you guys think?  What tips do you have for night time parenting and sleep management?  Are there other theories you like more than Dr. Sears'?

Beyond the Sling, by Mayim Bialik

Today I finished reading Mayim Bialik's new book called Beyond the Sling: a real-life guide to raising confident, loving children the attachment parenting way.  That's right.  You heard me.  A guide to parenting written by Blossom.  Deal with it.

I only learned of this book about a week ago.  And honestly, in my current post-partum brain status, I have no idea how I heard about it.  Another mommy blog?  A parenting website?  I'm totally clueless.  But I told Ben that I wanted to read it.  And in perfect Ben form, just a few days later, it showed up in my mailbox from Amazon.  

I think Mayim's (Dr. Bialik's???) writing style is really easy to read.  It's conversational.  I can sorta hear her (or what I presume is her) in my head, making jokes, using sarcasm, and being alternately very serious about a variety of topics which are both important and fascinating to me.

If the term "attachment parenting" is new to you, it was coined by researchers decades ago to describe what others have sometimes referred to as "instinctual parenting," the type of parenting that humans have used in indigenous cultures for centuries to raise their children.  There are, as Attachment Parenting International describes them, 8 main principles:

1. Preparing for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting - most 'attachment parents' have a goal of natural childbirth due to the benefits for baby and mom.

2. Feeding as more than just intake of nutrients - most 'attachment parents' have a goal of breast feeding and gentle/delayed weaning

3. Sensitivity - this feels hard to define, but usually ends up being pertinent with regard to discipline.

4. Nurturing Touch - aka, babywearing, but also breastfeeding, massage, and other types of physical closeness.

5. Safe sleep (physical and emotional) - the idea of parenting both during the day and at night, often leading parents to co-sleeping and/or bed-sharing.

6. Consistent loving care - the idea that parents are the primary (and often sole) caregivers without frequent use of babysitters, day cares, etc.

7. Positive Discipline - or gentle discipline.  Relates a lot to #3.

8. Balance - balancing the parents' needs with the child's needs.

What I like about Mayim's book is that she addresses all of these principles without taking a hard stance that you must do all 8 or you're a bad parent.  In fact, her book almost contains too many statements of "now I know not everyone does this, and there are other ways to parent, but...."  She basically describes what she and her family do without making you feel like following her ideas and principles are the only way to parent.  It was gentle.  Sensitive.  Probably just like her parenting is!  

And other than chapter 7 on "elimination communication" (the idea that your baby is potty trained from birth and doesn't need diapers), I agree with the vast majority of what she has to say.  Now I just have to figure out how to functionally make it all make sense in my life with my family's needs, which are (of course) different than her family's needs.